Customer Review

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Epic gore-flick spoiled by weird ending, poor characters, plot holes, and too much deus-ex machina, June 28, 2008
By Nikolai Segura
This review is from: The Holy Bible: King James Version (Paperback)
Now I'm not usually into fiction, but on the recommendation of some friends who told me this book would change my life, I thought: "what the hey?"

I've gotta say I was disappointed. This could have been an epic gore flick, with millions of people being slayed in all directions by the central character. I mean, he doesn't spare the horses - all the people on earth (apart from 8 blokes on a boat), all the first sons of Eygpt, pretty much all the neighbouring tribes of Israel - they all get slashed up in some gruesome horror scenes. And hey, there's some great romance and sex scenes in there - from the Song of Songs, to the implied incest in the first chapter. It even touches on some freudian themes, with brother turning against brother.

But really, that's where the entertainment ends, and the complaints begin.

First of all the characters are poorly written. Take Adam and Eve, the first characters we meet. We've barely been introduced to them when they make the awesomely stupid decision to betray an all seeing and knowing God in his own garden - thus condemning all mankind through the magical concept of inherited sin. Think that's far fetched? What about God himself - the main character - putting the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the *middle of the garden* and making all the fruit juicy and nice! What was he thinking?! And he didn't even warn them about the lying talking snake he'd made - something that any conscientious omniscient God would clearly do.

And if you think the characters are unbelievable - just wait for the plot twists. For about 90% of the book the main character is a homocidal, racist meglomaniac, guiding his "chosen people" through endless slaughters of opposing tribes, and of each other when people don't obey his "rules". Think Patrick Bateman on crack. Then, with only a New testament to go, and just as I was enjoying the action - suddenly he becomes all touchy feely! Why oh why writers feel they *have* to put in implausible plot twists, I just don't know! And please, don't get me started on the end - when it goes all Stanley Kubrick! Sure, I understand it's fantasy as a genre - but come on, does it have to go against so much mainstream science?

As well as that, the dialogue between characters is paper thin. Take the New Testament, when Mary finds out she's pregnant. She tells Joseph that she's been knocked up by an angel, and he just flat out believes her! Not even a "hold on sista, we're going on Maury" - he just takes it at face value! How are any of us meant to believe that? Honestly, I swear some of the scripting was done by a monkey with a typewriter. Take this gem from 2 Samuel:

"Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die."

I mean, who speaks like that? Honestly! And as if the dialogue wasn't bad enough, the whole tone is preachy and moralising, rather than engaging and well written. Sure, I understand the author clearly doesn't like Jerry Springer, but surely he doesn't need to advocate the smiting of every man who's ever slept with a woman and her mother - along with a myriad of other strange capital crimes? And as for the homophobia, sexism and racism - I know this was written in a bygone age - but did it really have to go that far? I did my best to overlook it, but it's pretty difficult when whole towns and tribes are getting destroyed.

At the end of the day, anyone wanting a little horror might do well with the first half of this book - although I wouldn't let your kids read it! But if you're looking for truly impressive fantasy fiction, you should stick to Tolkien, or in the modern day, the Harry Potter books.

What had the potential for a good fantasy horror romp ended up a disappointingly written and loosely put together damp squib. Avoid.

Variation On the Word Sleep
Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.